Just a Paper Clip Short of a Magnet
by Raman Noodle
Summary: Hey! I'm back! This story was inspired by those annoying TAG Body spray commercials, but its funny! Final chapter is posted. Thank you for reading and reviewing! :D
1. The Chemist Who Found the Formula

Hey! I'm back! I know this story isn't the songfic that I told you guyz to look out for, but this just popped into my head at the last minute, and it will probably be my funniest story yet. I know I put romance as one of the genres for it...but there's only a lil bit of it in here. The majority is comedy. And...if this reminds you at any point of those annoying Tag body spray for guys commercials...this story was inspired by them. I'm laughing right now just thinking about it! xD (giggles insanely) Well yeah, here you go!

ch. #1: **The chemist who found the formula!**

"Whut you doin' master?"

Gir had his head cocked to the side as he watched Zim pour a neon blue mixinto two separate test tubes. He had been watching for about four hours now. And he was getting on Zim's last nerve. He shuddered. "For the 234,578,600,000th time...I'm mixing a formula that will help me get rid of Dib!"

Gir stopped.

"Ooooooohhh! Really?"

Zim's eye was starting to twitch. Gir was driving him insane. "YES REALLY!" he yelled. Gir replied with another Ooooh.

"I like getting rid of things! Like that CD I flushed down the toilet yesterday!"

Zim stopped working immediately. "What?"

"You know! The one with all those security networking plans on it! I flushed it down the toilet! It went around and around and around and around..."

"YOU DID WHAT? GODDAMMIT GIR!" Zim jumped up, flipping the small working table with Gir ontop of it over. He ran up the stairs, praying that Gir hadn't done what he had just told him. He ran to the bathroom, where he slipped and landed on his back on the wet floor. The toilet had overflown. There was water everywhere. He jumped up and peered under the porcilin lid. There was something round and shiny in the bottom. Zim screamed and dove in head first, retreiving the disk...erm half of it anyways. The other half must've gone down successfully.

Gir was just getting up from under the work table when Zim came bursting through the lab door panting and steaming.

"HEY! YOU'RE ON FIRE!" he screamed.

"Whu? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Zim ran in circles around the lab. Gir jumped up and followed him.

"I'M RUNNING! I'M RUNNING! WWWWWEEEEEEEEE!"

Zim was now rolling around on the linolium, screaming in agony. Gir just copied his every mood stupidly.

"GIR! GIR! PUT THE FIRE OUT! AAAHHH!"

Gir jumped up. What did the humans do to put fires out again? Oh yeah...they poured water on the flames and they went out. He looked around. There wasn't any water. He scanned the room and he grabbed one of the viles with the blue liquid in it. He ran over to Zim quickly and dumped it on him. The flames went out...but Zim wasn't very happy.

"GIR! THIS FORMULA HASN'T BEEN TESTED YET!"

Yeah...the first chapter was kind of short. But the next one will be funny! Its got everyone else in it so yeah! Anyways R&R!


	2. OooohhYou Smell Good!

Hey...here's the next chapter for 'yall. Ummm...as far as someone being attracted to Zim in this story...not sure yet... But here's a bit of a spoiler for you, just between you and me, Dib gets sprayed with the stuff and suddenly becomes very..erm "popular". And no, it will NOT be a ZADR. ick!

ch.# 2

Oooohh...You Smell Good!

Zim furiously wiped the liquid off of his face with a towel.How could Gir have been so stupid? Well no surprise there he thought. He looked at Gir who was dancing in the middle of the room. He danced and danced and danced and danced until he slipped on some of the blue liquid and tumbled to the ground. What an idiot.

"GIR! HOW COULD YOU?" screamed Zim as he wiped what was left of the mixture off his face.

"How could I what?" asked Gir, oblivious as always.

"POUR THIS SHIT ON MY FACE THAT'S WHAT!"

"Oooohhhh...that was easy silly! Like this!" yelled Gir as he grabbed the other jar and dumped it on Zim's head. Zim screamed and squirrmed around on the ground once more.

"OH MY GOD! I'M BURNING! ((insane screaming noise))"

**2 hours later...**

Zim sat in the corner of the room...steaming burning and you get it.

"Could this get any worse?" he asked in a sarcastic voice. Gir was baffled for a minute.

"I...don't know." he replied though he was not being addressed. Sure enough things did get worse though. Zim's transmission screen blinked on.

"Incoming transmission from down the street." said the computor boredly. Zim looked up. Exhausted from screaming and flailling about on the linoleum. ((did I spell that right?)) He slowly got up and took the call. Tak's face appeared on the bright screen. What did she wish to argue about now?

"Didn't know if you remembered or not Zim, but we have those damn exam things today. And I wanted to know if you were planning on going to skool."

Why did she want to know?

"I dunno." he replied. "I suppose I should, as it would look rather suspicious if I didn't right?"

"Umm...yeah. It would. I was contemplating on whether or not to attend...but seeing as you are I suppose I should reconsider my former decision." ((that sentance made me sound smart didn't it?))

"Why did you want to know anyways?" he questioned with suspicion. Eyes growing large.

"Just wanted to know." she replied.

Wait a minute!WasTak asking for Zim's advice?

"ADVICE?" he screamed.

"Or rather deciding on whether or not to make your day miserable!"

That's better.

"Whatever Tak! You won't get my job! You never will so just stop trying! For I am Zim!"

Tak shook her head. Zim was an idiot.

"Eh...I guess I'll just have to make you suffer more than."

Zim's eye flinched. She was up to something. He knew it!

"PITIFUL-" he was cut off.

"Oh and P.S. Zim, I hate you!"

"Oh yeah well I hate you more!"

Tak stuck out her tongue, which pissed Zim off.

"YOUR LEGS ARE STUPID!" he screamed in rage.

Tak laughed and gave him the finger. Zim was just about to give verbal abbuse, but Tak cut the transmission, which pissed him off even more. So he kicked the wall instead. Breathing heavily he said,"What is that stink?"

He looked in all directions then down at himself and sniffed his arm.

"HOLY SHIT! I SMELL DELICIOUS!"

"ITS TIME FOR SKOOL!" shouted Gir. Zim looked at the clock on the wall. He was right.

Zim grabbed his contact lenses and wig and ran up the stairs to the living room. Applied his disguise, then ran out the door.

It seemed like it took forever to get to skool, even though Zim ran most of the way. He breathed a sigh of releif when he saw kids entering the building, which implied that he wasn't late. And that was good. Running up the stairs though, a steel toed boot extended out to trip him, and he fell over face first. It was Tak. She was standing over him with an evil smirk on her face. Zim expected her to kick him next, but instead she got this weirded out look on her face and helped him up.

"Gee Zim! I'm sorry!" She brushed off his shirt and then turned him around. "You don't wanna be late for class! Here I'll help you to your locker!"

This creeped Zim out. He gave a weirded out expression of his own as Tak scooted him across the floor to his locker. She then smiled sweetly as he opened it and gathered some books. She was awfully close.

"TAK! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" he yelled. She was apparently sniffing the back of his shirt.

"Why do you smell so good?" she asked still taking in the air around him.

"What?"

"You smell good. Really good. Like it's almost s-"

Thank god she didn't get to finish that sentance. Saved by the bell thought Zim. As Tak sat down in her desk behind Dib, Zim saw her give an evil glare. What the hell was going on? First she was evil, then nice, then sniffing him, then creepy, then evil again. Zim turned in his seat to Zita, sitting behind him.

"Is there something weird about me today huma?" he asked in a concerned voice.

"Zim there's always something wrong with you." she replied.

Zim turned back around. That aroma filled his nostrils again. He sniffed his arm...delicious. He turned back around to Zita again.

"Does my arm smell delicious to you?" he asked extending it to her.

"I don't even wanna go there dude," she said.

"TELL ME!"

"Fine...don't have a cow." she said sniffing it. "I don't smell anything Zim. Quit waisting my time." she replied.

Zim turned around, baffled. He could smell it, Tak could smell it, Zita couldn't.

Tak tapped Dib on the shoulder.

"Tak...I'm just gonna tell you now! I didn't do anything! Please don't beat the shit outta me!" he whimpered. Tak shook her head.

"Do you notice anything different today about Zim?" she asked. Dib thought for a minute.

"Uhhh...besides the fact that he keeps sniffing his arm, no."

Tak sat back in her chair. Why did Zim smell so good earlier?

Ooooh! Chapter finished! Woot! yeah..you may see where this is headed but if you don't that's okay cuz i don't either. anyways, it would make me friggin happy if you r&r! thanx!


	3. Public Displays of Affection Are

Okay...sorry 4 the long time between updates but i been busy what with final exams and all! Anyways this is a short update but cheer up cuz i have the idea fresh in my mind and the next update'll be here by sunday ...monday at the latest! So here you go!

Public Displays of Affection Are Uncomfortable

Screams...and shouts. And then a door slamming.

Gir opened his eyes to see his master standing in front of the front door...obviously to keep someone out. He was panting, which meant that he had been running.

"What'cha doin'?" asked Gir.

Zim slumped against the door and slid to the floor. ((yay! that rhymed!)) He looked extremely creeped out.

"Tak-acting-odd..." he said fearfully. Gir cocked his head to the side and stared.

flashback to after skool:

_Zim slammed his locker door shut and started down the hallway. Only when he looked up did he notice Tak standing by the door._

_She's blocking my exit..._

_She greeted him with a glare._

_"Zim! I've got some questions for you! And they will be answered or else I break your face!"_

_"What are you talking about Tak? I've got more important questions for you...LIKE WHY THE HELL WERE YOU SNIFFING THE BACK OF MY SHIRT EARLIER?"_

_Tak looked slightly horrified._

_"I sniffed you?"_

_"YES YOU SNIFFED ME! DON'T PLAY DUMB TAK! I'M ON TO YOU!"_

_"On to me huh?"_

_"YES!" yelled Zim at the same time making squiggle noises._

_"Well I'm onto you too! LIKE WHY DID YOU SMELL SO GOOD EARLIER!"_

_"Smell?"_

_Zim smelled that aroma again then looked at his arm and sniffed it. Delicious._

_"So...the way I smell made you act insane earlier?"_

_"What are you talking about? You're trying to hypnotize me aren't you?"_

_"Whu?" _

_And then Tak stopped her ranting and sniffed the air._

_"That smell...so delicious."_

_Tak approached Zim and burried her face in his shirt...Zim's eyes got all tiny like and his hands dropped to his sides. He was utterly horrified!_

_"Tak...um Tak..? What the hell are you doing? Stop sniffing me!"_

_Okay...now the whole ordeal was attracting unwanted attention from passing students._

_"Aw c'mon! Get a room! No one wants to see public displays of affection!"_

_Now Zim was even more horrified. _

_"No! It's not what you think! We're no-"_

_"I luuuuvvv youuuu..."_

_"Excuse me?"_

_Zim looked down at Tak who was now hugginging him rather tightly. This was...uncomfortable. Zim's face started to grow a bit warm._

_"N-no you don't...let go of me!" _

_Zim struggled to pry Tak off of him. Kids kept walking by, laughing and rolling their eyes. He wanted to be anywhere but here right now. Finally, he got Tak off of him and pushed her away. She snapped out of her trancelike stage and a blinked several times. Zim's face was still burning._

_"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" he exclaimed._

_"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Tak looked like she wanted to tear someone's eyes out._

_"YOU SNIFFED ME THEN MOOSHED UP AGAINST ME!" he replied making waving motions with his hands._

_"NO I-" but then she stopped...picturing what Zim said. Now her face was burning slightly. She just turned around on one heel and walked out of the building. Zim decided to use the other door, and ran the whole way home._

End flashback:

He pushed himself up off the floor and walked past Gir. Gir followed happily.

Zim was going to find out what was going on.

Okay...like I said before, I'm sorry it took so long to update. The next chapter will definately be done by around 9:00pm on Sunday, so just look for it, kay. and if not sunday then monday morning...early. anyways, yeah r&r!


	4. It Gives One The Feeling

Well as you can see it took me forever to update and i am sorry. i sorta met my deadline cuz todays monday...but that was what? 2, 3 weeks ago? anyway thanx for all the nice reviews and stuff. ive been trying to keep everyone in character so far...any OCness was brought on by pleasent smells. well yeah...here you go!

**It Gives One The Feeling**

"Scanning...scanning...SCANNING! Results found."

"Excellent," said Zim reading the computor's results. He had just finished putting a drop of the unknown blue substance onto his computor's scanners. "Oh! Of course! The molecules in that blue stuff are currently in a form that only irken intennae can pick up!" Zim slapped himself in the forehead. "Why couldn't I see that before!"

He turned and looked at the vile full of blue liquid.

"Well I guess I'll have to alter you somehow before you can be used against Dib." Zim pondered for a minute. "Maybe I can alter it to some type of acid...no that would take to long. I know I'll have to change the form of the molecules no matter what I do."

Gir had just recently entered the lab and was watching the bubbles in the liquid.

"WOOT! LOOKIT EM FLOAT!" he shouted. "I JUST WANNA EAT EM LIKE A CHUBBY BUNNY!" ((i have no idea where that came from))

"ERRRR! KEEP IT DOWN I'M TRYING TO WORK!" shouted Zim over Gir's babbling.

"OH YEAH! WELL I'M TRYIN TO WORK TOO!" shouted Gir right back. He then went back to staring at the bubbles.

"Wait that's it! If human affection is pain based, then maybe some unwanted attention will keep Dib distracted long enough for me to do...something." So Zim went back to work on changing the molecules in the formula. It had to have been at least 2:00am before Zim was even close to being finished.

"Uuuhggh...this is taking to long." he complained.

"Why don't you just blow up his head? AND THEN STUFF IT WITH WALNUTS!" screamed Gir.

"I never knew I would say this, but maybe you're right Gir!"

Zim made a few changes and now the liquid was a sickly green color. Zim grabbed aturkey baster and sucked some of it up, then sprayed it on the floor. It almost instantly burned a hole in the floor!

"Well, that's that!" said Zim proudly and he walked out of the lab. It was simple. When he next saw Dib, Zim would spray him, and he would explode! Simple.

However, as Zim disappeared from view, Gir was still in the lab.

"I'M GONNA PLAY SCIENTIST!" he announced and poured some of the blue stuff into the green stuff. It turned red. He smiled and walked out of the lab.

**The Next Day**

Zim had brought a small amount of the so called "lethal" formula to skool. It was currently in his pack. Upon sight of Dib he would spray him. And the KABOOM. Or so he thought. He was waiting for Dib on the sidewalk. Tak showed up first.

"ZIM!" she screamed, and the quickly strapped on a gas mask. "HA! I HAVE DEFENSES NOW! What do you think about that? huh?"

"Eh?" Zim just shrugged.

Tak walked up to him and shoved him aside. Hopefully there would be no more public displays of affection now. Zim went back to watching for Dib. He walked up the street just moments later.

"HA! DIB! YOUR MEDELING STOPS NOOOOOOOOWWW!" he shouted splashing Dib with the red stuff.

"What the hell Zim?" apparently all it had done was piss him off.

"What the? WHY DID YOU NOT EXPLODE!"

Dib sniffed himself.

"Did you just splash me with cherry soda?"

"GIIIIRRRR!" Zim knew it was Gir's fault."That little moron must've done something to it when I left the room. Damnit!" He pouted into the building. Dib sniffed himself again. This stuff smelled more like some cheap colone now. ((i don't think i spelled that right but oh well!))

Confused, Dib entered the building. It was only after he got the feeling that he was being followed, that he turned to see a whole group of giggling girls. Popular girls. Girls that would normally never come within a five foot radius of him unless by force.

What did they want?

OOOohhhh...guess you'll have to find out. This chapter was kinda short and crappy but it'll get better. And I still have no idea where that chubby bunny thing came from. It's nice to see that my first story is getting some reviews after being up since December. If you want to read it it's called Warp Hole Of Terrifying DOOM! and yeah...well Rand R people! Thanx!


	5. PopularityPowerProblem

Hey...I'm back. Sorry it took me so Goddamn long to update. I have no excuse except for going on vacation, writer's blok, and being a lazy bum. But here's the update so shutup and forgive me! (jk jk jk)

Popularity+PowerProblem

"What?"

A small blonde haired girl standing in the front of the group giggled. Another whispered something into her friends ear and they both laughed.

"Is there like something on my shirt?" asked Dib examining himself. He couldn't understand why all of a sudden these girls who were way up on the popularity pole were borderline stalking him. They usually threw paper and spit balls at him. Dib raised an eyebrow.

"What do you want from me?" he was sounding paranoid now. "Cuz if you're looking to beat me up and take my money, you guys are outta luck." One of the girls looked offended.

"No Way!"

"Yeah it's nothing like that!"

"Then what the hell do you want from me?" A punk rocker in the back could no longer control her excitement. She shook violently then threw her fist into the air, smacking someone in the head, and shouted, "YOU ROCK!"

Then the group of girls went into a frenzie of screaming all girly like and stampeded towards Dib.

"Oh Sh-" he was cut off. A girl with pink hair had grabbed him around the waist and started frenching him. ((eewww...frenching Dib))

"HEY PARKER! IT'S MY TURN!" A girl with black hair started pulling the girl off him.

"YOU GUYS ARE BOTH MISTAKEN AS IT IS MY TURN TO SHOW MY AFFECTION TO THE SEXY DIB BEAST!" yelled a girl with thickrimmed glasses. However she was tackled by Gretchen in her attempted PDA ((for people who don't know its Public Display of Affection))

This sorta thing continued until the ordeal turned into an all out cat fight that involved half the skool's girls. Dib was astounded at the madness although knowing the girls were fighting over him made him feel kinda powerful. ((Que to play that stupid "I Am A Man" song off that one Axe commercial)) But he still had no idea what it was that was causing this. Then he remembered Zim spraying him with that cherry soda stuff earlier. He looked down and sniffed his arm. Delicious. It was then that he realized he had complete and utter control over his female classmates.

"Ladies, ladies, stop the fighting. There's enough of me to go around!" All the girls stopped instantly.

"OH MY GAWD! He was totallly talking to me!"

"NUH UH! HE WAS TALKING TO ME YOU HOAR!"

"I was talking to all of you."

"Oh. OH MY GAWD!"

(high pitched screaming)

Dib though for a moment. If he could do this to this small group of girls, what could he do with the rest of the girls in his skool?

"Hmmmm..."

"OH MY GAWD! HE'S PONDERING LIKE A SEXY BEAST!" the girls started freaking out again.

"ENOUGH MY PETS! THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO ATTEND TO! LIKE THE FACT THAT ZIM IS AN ALIEN!" With all the girls on his side, he could so prove it now!

"Awwww...why Zim? We want _you._"

"Okay...I guess you could pamper me first or something, THEN WE PROVE ZIM IS AN ALIEN!" the girls cheered.

**1 hour later**

Dib proudly paraded though the halls followed by almost every girl in the skool. Any girls who weren't following him followed suit when he walked by. The guys looked like they wanted to kill him, but he would worry about that when the cologne wore off. It surprised him that Tak didn't jump into the crowd when he walked by though.

"Well?"

Tak turned to face him.

"What the bloody hell do you want Dib?" Dib frowned. Why wasn't she gawking at him and tending to his every whim like all the other girls?

"Don't you want me to?"

Tak's eye twitched, then she..._bitch slapped him._

Dib was shocked, but then he supposed she couldn't smell his stench of guy so he shoved his arm up to her face.

"Do you smell that?"

Tak grabbed his arm and twisted it.

"NO! DO YOU FEEL THAT?" she yelled menacingly.

Dib cried out in pain, that was when one of the girls in the crowd jumped to his aid.

"LEAVE MY DIB ALONE YOU HEARTLESS BITCH!"

"YEAH!"

"CAN YOU NOT SEE HE IS A SEXY BEAST?"

That was when all the girls attacked the Irken, carrying her over their heads in a crowd surfing like manner. Cept all evil like. ((speaking of which a crowd surfer almost got dropped on my head at Warped Tour last month))

"WHAT THE F? PUT ME DOWN!" ((sorry...felt i should edit that))

"NOW! LET'S GET ZIM!" yelled Dib. The girls cheered and followed suit.

((and i have no idea how they're doing this during skool))

Zim was walking out of his 3rd period class. And that was when he saw them. A hoard of girls, led by Dib, carrying Tak.

duh duh duuuuuhhnn...

yeah, now lookout for the next chapter. It's short, but yeah. R&R and i apologize again for the wait! XX


	6. Throw them in the Freezy Box

Yeah so I decided to get this chapter out tonight as well!

Throw Them in the Freezy Box

Zim was walking out of his 3rd period class. And that was when he saw them. A hoard of girls, led by Dib, carrying Tak.

It was quite a sight to see. Really very frightening. He wanted to run, but stood frozen in his place, mouth open, eyes wide. At first Zim was sure they would run him over, but the hoard stopped a few feet away from him.

"HE'S AN ALIEN! LET'S GET HIM NOW!" yelled Dib.

"If we do this do we get to spend quality time with you afterwards hubby?"

"Yes...I supose so. NOW ATTACK!" the girls cheered again then in one surprising motion tackled Zim.

"AHHHH! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? GET OFF ME YOU SMELL LIKE FEET! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!" and soon Zim was being carried above the crowd.

"W-WHUT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" he yelled.

"F IF I KNOW!" Tak replied. ((oooohh! pottymouth!))

The crowd continued their stampede through the hallway until they realized they had no idea what to do now that they had aprehanded the so called "aliens".

"Ummm...Dib, the love of my life who I adore, what do we do now?" the small blonde girl asked. Dib stopped. He had dreamed of a day like this for so long, but now that it had come, he had no idea what to do.

"T-THROW THEM INTO THE FREEZY BOX!" he said stupidly.

"You have got to be bloody joking!" yelled Tak from above somewhere. "The freezy box?"

"Oh shut up! I couldn't think of anything else!"

"Well I think it's a great idea!" yelled Gretchen.

"yeah!"

"LET'S DO IT FOR DIB!"

The crowd spazzed out then stampeded for the cafeteria carrying Tak and Zim above their heads.

"I'M BLAMING YOU FOR THIS ZIM! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU AND YOUR STUPID SMELLY GOOD SHIT!" yelled Tak. Shortly after that brutal comment they were roughly thrown into the huge walk in freezy in the cafeteria. Like literally thrown.

Tak hit the floor and bounced, while Zim hit the back wall and landed in a box of frozen pizza that had to have been 3 years old.

"FOR DIB!" the hoard said in unison, then slammed the door shut. Tak sat up and rubbed her head.

"I can't beleive this. I just got thrown into a Goddamn freezer!" She got up and pounded on the door.

yeah I know...very short but still entertaining. hmmm...i wonder what will happen to pass the time while they're stuck in the freezer...SUGGESTIONS PLZ! the next chapter will be out Friday night. I PROMISE! R&R! THANKIES!


	7. Cupid's Chokehold

SO...wut is up everybody? I bought the Gym Class Heroes CD today and got a good idea for my next chapter...yeah..."Cupid's Chokehold" is 1 of the best songs ever. Hellz yeah! I thought it wood b funny 4 this chapter cuz the muzic video has a guy trying to kill his girlfriend in it...which is like the opposite of the lyrics in the song and...you'd just have to hear/see it for ur self cuz I'm rambling...but that wuz bfore the fucerz on MTV changed it dammit. The new vid doesn't have nearly enough of Patrick Stump in it...umm..not that it matters er anything its just that...coughhe'samazinginmorewaysthanonecough

"YOU LIKE IM!!!" -GIR

"SHUT UP!! YOU LIE!!!" -Me

Gir-runs away.

me-"Uhhhh...here's the new chap that took me forever to finally get out...srry.

**Cupid's Chokehold**

Tak sat up and rubbed her head.

"I don't believe this. I just got thrown into a Goddamn freezer!" She pounded on the door furiously. No luck. It wasn't until she heard a moan from behind her that she realized she was stuck in there with..._Zim_.

"Oh...just great." she muttered under her breath. Just what she needed.

Zim sat up. He was covered in 3 year old frozen pizza. He attemted standing but ended up falling flat on his face.

"When...I get out of here...the...Dib worm...is dead. I swear...I will melt his...face off...and- Ooof!" He was cut off by the pain of Tak standing on his back.

"Save it for after I kill you kay?" She jumped off, then pulled Zim up by his shirt and violently shoved him back. Zim hit the wall and realized where he was and what was happening.

_Take a look at my girlfriend,_

_she's the only one I got,_

_but not much of a girlfriend,_

_I never seem to get alot._

"No, I don't think I will save it Tak, because I'm going to kill you first!"

"No, I am!"

"Nu uh!"

"SHUT UP!"

_It's been a while since we last spoke_

_and this is gonna sound like a bad joke,_

_but momma I fell in love again_

_and it's safe to say I have a new girlfriend._

"Tell me Zim. Why is it that everytime I'm around you my life takes a horrible, horrible turn for the worst!!?? Its...ANNOYING!!" Before Zim even knew what was happening, he was grabbed by his shirt again. What was this woman's problem!? "I hate you so much that words could not describe it!!" She was going to fricking put his lights out this time. Tak was about to send him flying again when she realized that there was a different odor in the room besides the rotting pizza. That smell...so...delicious, so...sensual. Tak paused, taking in every bit of it, her pupils dialating. Zim noticed the change and struggled to get away. But before he could move an inch at all Tak bent low and pressed her lips against his.

Speechless. Confused. Terrified. Disgusted. Sick. Flaberghasted. ((umm did i spell that right? anyway)) These were only a few words that could describe Zim's mixed feelings at the moment. And the list could go on but that would make everything very boring now wouldn't it? Zim squirmed in Tak's grip. He HAD to get out of this. He finally broke free. Tak had an expression of shear bliss on her face.

"Come back...you smell...sogood." Then she was coming at him again.

Zim stumbled backwards. He really didn't know what to do at the moment. So he just did the first thing that came to mind. When she got close enough, Zim gave Tak a pimpslap across the face. Tak frozed. It was like something inside her finally turned on what made her think rationally.

"YOU LITTLE SHITHEAD!!!" She screamed and smacked him right back. Zim's wild expression had her baffled. "Why are you looking at me like that dipshit!? STOP IT DAMMIT!!" she slapped him again.

"YOU DON"T REMEMBER!!???" Zim was freking out.

"SHUT UP!!" Tak poked him in the eye. Well at least things were back to normal.

"YOU SHOULD THANK ZIM!!! I BROUGHT YOU BACK TO NORMAL!!!"

"THANK YOU!!?? RIGHT!!! WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER ILL THINK ABOUT IT!!!" And then the betchslaps began again.Back and fourth back and fourth back and fourth.

"GAAAAHHH!!!! STOP IT!!!" Tak grabbed Zim around the neck and started choking him furiously. Gasping for breath, Zim returned the favor. The room was spinning. They were crashing into boxes and walls. Then Tak somehow managed to grab ahold of the situation and bang Zim's head against the wall.

_And I know it sounds so old_

_but Cupid got me in a chokehold_

_and I'm afraid I might give in_

_Towel's on the mat my white flag is wavin_

Zim grabbed ahold of Tak's shirt and flipped her over his head, sending her into a box of breakfast items. Finally...he had the upper hand...he thought. Until one of the nearby boxes was thrown at his head, breaking and showering him with pankakes.

_I mean she even cooks me pankakes and alcasolser when my tummy aches_

_If that ain't love, then I don't know what love is_

_We even got a secret handshake_

_and she loves the music that my band makes_

_and I know I'm young _

_but if I had to choose her or the son_

_I'd be one nocturnal son-of-a-gun._

Then Tak was flying through the air in a fasion similar to that of the box's. And she was on him again, pinning him to the floor. Zim knew he was going to die some day, but at this rate, he wouldn't even be able to concur a Taco Bell before that day came! It was time to improvise.

"WAIT!! WAIT!!! IF YOU KILL ME NOW IT'LL TAKE YOU LONGER TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!" he screamed desperately, then puked in his mouth a bit at the fact that he was BEGGING.

"SO?" Tak screamed back at him. At this point it really didn't matter.

"THAT MEANS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET REVENGE ON DIB FOR A WHILE..." he paused as Tak raised an eyebrow as if to say I don't give a fuck "...AND YOU WON'T HAVE ANYONE TO HIT IN THE MEANTIME!!!" he finished, raising his arms to sheild his face. Tak raised her fist then stopped.

"Shit...you're right."

"So will you let me go now?"

Tak thought about it.

"SAY UNCLE!!"

"What?"

She bitch slapped him again.

"SAY UNCLE DAMMIT" she said slamming his already bruised head against the linoleim again.

"UNCLE UNCLE UNCLE UNCLE...UUUUUUNNNNNCCCCLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

_Take a look at my girlfriend_

_She's the only one I got_

_But not much of a girlfriend_

_I never seem to get alot_

_It's been a while since we talked last and I'm trying hard not to talk fast_

_butdadI'mfinallythinking I may have found the one type of girl that'll make you way proud of your son_

_And I know you heard the last song_

_about the girls that didn't last long_

_but I promise this is on a whole new plane_

_I can tell by the way she says my name_

_I love it when she calls my phone_

_she even got her very own ring tone_

_if that ain't love then I don't know what love is_

_It's gonna be a long drive home but I know as soon as I arrive home_

_and I open the door take off my coat and throw my bag on the floor_

_she'll be back into my arms once more_

_for sure_

_like..._

Tak had finally let Zim go. Both of them were beat up pretty badly, but Zim got the majority of it. Even through her serious demeener, Tak was laughing her ass off on the inside.

"And that's what happened..." Zim finished. He had filled her in on everything. Well...everything she didn't already know anyways. Tak looked angry again and Zim feared she'd go off on him again, but she stayed calm.

"I hate you" she said.

"But it was an accident"

"I don't care. I've always hated you. And I always will." How the hell were they going to get out of here now? Zim kicked himself in the face for telling Tak what happened. He should'v seen this coming. But he literally kicked himself in the face, and it knocked him over. What a dumbass.

_Take a look at my girlfriend_

_she's the only one I got_

_but not much of a girlfriend_

_I never seem to get alot_

And then Tak was there helping him up. WTF?

"I'm always gonna hate you, but I really really am sick of this and I wanna kill Dib, so let's get out of here." she said. It took a while to devise a plan, but they found that when you throw "bagles" that have the consistancy of lead hockey pucks to them at a door enough times, it starts to bend out of shape. Two and a half fricking hours of it. And when the door was finally retarded enough to be moved, Tak ripped it off it's hinges and threw it. ((JEEZUS!!!))

"Let's go find Dib..." she said calmly. So calmly infact that it scared Zim to death...in a really awkwardly weird sorta way.

_She's got a smile that'll make the most senile annoying old man bite his tounge_

_(I'm not done)_

_She's got eyes comparable to sunrise and it doesn't stop there_

_(man I swear)_

_She's got porcelen skin_

_Of course she's a 10_

_and now she's even got her own song _

_(But movin on)_

_She's got the cutest laugh I've ever heard and we can be on the phone for three hours_

_(not saying one word)_

_And I would still cherish every moment_

_and when I start to build my future she's the main component_

_Call it dumb_

_Call it luck_

_Or whatever you call it but_

_Everywhere I go I keep her picture in my wallet like_

_here_

_Take a look at my girlfriend_

_She's the only one I got_

_but not much of a girlfriend_

_I never seem to get alot_

So...end of chapter. Glad it's over. I dunno when you could expect the next one cuz I'm working on the next chappi for Saturday, so please be patient yo!!! And good God I can't wait till May 27...IM GOIN TO SEE FALL OUT BOY!!!!!!! (does the moon walk)

GIR- getting ready to say something

Me- "WOULD YOU GET OUTTA HERE!!!" chases with a stick

anyway. chapter up, Cheddar out. (thas meh nickname)


	8. Gonna Make Him Bend Until He Breaks

MMmmkayzzzz. So I'm finally back and trying to get back into the swing of things and watnot. Gonna update more regularly HOPEFULLY. Sorry bout the long-azz wait. Ha. Half the people would probly like to smack me in the face right now, and I'll accept it gladly!

And it's official.

FOB live is the shizzzzz...saw em May 27th and October 19th. And Ive decided that Patrick Stump is my husband. lmao.

anyways, this chapter will include Dib's downfall, angry Dib-groupies, a hitman, a puppy, and poo-throwing. And also a favor for Sweetblood the Vampire.

LET THE CHAOS BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Gonna Make Him Bend Until He Breaks**

"OOH! OOH! ME NEXT ME NEXT!!!!!!!!" shouted a small blue-haired girl from the back of the pack.

"Ummm...maybe later, kay? I could use some refreshments." Dib rubbed the back of his neck which ached with hickeys and drool. He had never played 7 minutes in heaven so many times in his life. Scratch that, he had never played it until today. He then made a mental note to break into Zim's house and steal some of the crap he had splashed him with earlier. T'was a life-saver!!

"DON'T WORRY!!! I'LL GET YOU SOME!!!" shouted the same girl and she giddily ran to the cafeteria.

"So Dib..." said another girl, obviously an upperclassman, also quite lovely. The playboy bunny type. "Tell us another one of your wild saving the world stories." Dib scratched his head lazilly, causing a series of girls to sigh dreamily at his thoughtfulness. (hahahaha)

"Well let me think...there was this one time when a lil girl got her foot stuck in a stoopid gopher hill outside Zim's house..."((lmao! r there even such things as gopher hills??))

Many of the girls clapped.

"I WAS THERE I WAS THERE!!!!!!!!!" cried a small redhead. "YOU SAVED THE DAY YOU SAVED THE DAY!!!!!!!!!"

Dib stopped.

"Yeah I sure did!" he was loving the attention but the same girl kept interupting him. It was getting a bit annoying. He turned to the girl who was seated on the floor to the left of him. "...do you mind...making her disappear or something??" he whispered.

"Slow and horrible or quick and painless?" great. a hitman-erm...hit_woman_ went to their school. He would never piss her offf.

"I was thinking more along the lines of just throwing her out the window..."

"Its done." she got up and casually made her way to the center of the crowd, pulling a rag out of her pocket and quickly shoving it in her face. No one noticed. All eyes on Dib...except for one girl a few feet from the ordeal who was listening to her iPOD. The hitwoman then made her way down the hall with the girl, and chucked her carelessy out the window. Another job well done.

"So is it true, Dib? Did you really save the day?" asked the iPOD girl in a fake-happy voice.

"I-I-yea." he stammered, taken aback by her. That black hair...those red highlights...she was...GORGEOUS. She would definately be the next one to play 7 minutes in heaven with him...possibly the only one allowed to from now on.

"Well you know wat I think about that? About you???" she asked dreamily. Dib shook his head in awwe. "I think you're...a lying jerk-off!!! I was there you know!! You didn't do shit!!"

Dib was speechless, offended, nervous, panicky, frightened and...humiliated. The other girls gasped. "You-you're supposed to love me!!" he cried.

"Are you kidding me!? I only jumped into this whored ((lololol get it? 'whore' ed? lmao)) so that I wouldn't get throne in the freezy box too! or chained up or something!! Ive been trying to block you out with my iPOD this whole time, but somehow your voice gets through and i can't concentrate on my damn music anymore!!!!!!!!! And now I'm done!!!!! You hear me!!?? DONE!!!!!! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!" she then hyperventalated a bit trying to calm down. Dib's mouth was open in a zombie stare of shock, hurt, and lust. The other girls all turned to face her angrily. They were about to attack, when suddenly the Blue haired girl from earlier burst through the door down the hall.

"THE PRISONERS HAVE ESCAPED!!!!!!! THEIR NOT IN THE FREEZYANDOHMYGODIMSORRYIMABADWORRSHIPERIMGONNAKILLMYSELFTOPLEASEYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she shouted, then spasmed and wet herself then cried.

"Wat the fuck?" Dib said.

"The prisoners escaped." she replied.

"SHIT!!!" he yelled. The other girls were ganging up on the iPOD girl. Dib noticed right away. "LEAVE HER ALONE!!! GO FIND THE ESCAPEES!!!!!!!!!" they jerked their heads around to face him, one girl, who was at an awkward angle in the first place, accidentally snapped her neck and collapsed into a pathetic heap of dead girly on the floor. No one noticed, she will not be missed.

"YES OVERLORDMICK HOTTIEPANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they all shouted in unison. and then stampeded down the hall, leaving only Dib, iPOD girl, and pathetic dead girly in the room.

Dib was shocked, but finally regained himself and approached his daydream girl. "How come you don't like me but they do?" he asked.

"I think you smell like cheap nasty cologne, while they think you smell like sex-in-a-black jacket. That's why." her bluntness pleased him.

"So you're amune...like Tak."

"Who the hell is Tak?"

"Nevermind. Is anyone else like you?"

The girl thought for a moment, then replied. "Yea, actually I think there was. Their names were Alex and Tommi but they both cut early as soon as the chaos started to catch a Fall Out Boy show down the street. But before that we were all having a good time kicking starry-eyed Dib lovers in the shin. They were too high on your fumes to notice. Now I'm bored." She then started walking away and flipping to find another song on her iPOD. Dib stood in the room with the dead chick.

"That really hurt." he said to no one in particular. "Didn't even get her name."

"I know her, she's Prisclla." said the dead chick suddenly twitching to something like life.

"Thanks for the info I-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Dib ran.

**Meanwhile...**

Zim and Tak led GIR through the hallways, hunting for their pray.

"So wat amIsupposed to DO again?" asked the little robot.

"When I give the signal you will shower the Dibworm with DOOKIE!!!!!!!"

"Shut the bloody hell up you nitwit! You WANT them to find us again!?" shushed Tak. Zim pouted.

"All your fault Gir." he said.

**Meanwhile...**

Dib had finally caught up with the crowd. They apparently hadn't found Zim or Tak yet. He cringed at the thought of wat the two would do to them if they couldn't be found first. There would be hell to pay.

**Meanwhile...((last meanwhile! I swear!))**

Zim, Tak and Gir caught sight of the hoard and hid behind a vending machine. They had not been sighted. Zim readied Gir for the assault.

"NOW EARTH WHORES!!!!!!!!!!!! FEAST YOUR BLEEDING CRAZY-SWAYZEE EYES ON THE DOWNFALL OF YOUR RULING PIMP DIB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ((there's a reference to the Mighty Boosh for those who are fans. yay!)) Zim yelled throwing Gir in front of him. "ENGAGE YOUR MONKEY BEHAVIOR GIR!!!!!!!!!!"

Gir screamed once...twice...three times...? then flung a brown object at Dib.

"Wat the hell-?" The poop splattered on his face. "oh...my...god..." he puked on himself. the smell was terrible. Suddenly the girls one by one broke out of their dazed states.

"LOOK!!! HE'S COVERED IN POO!!!" one girl yelled. others started laughing.

"DIB'S SUCH A FAG!!!" they all started laughing. Tak and Zim walked up to him.

"Now what!? OH!!!" Zim said and did a little menacing victory dance, immediatly being silenced by the back of Tak's hand.

"Oh...oh yea...you know wat???" Dib was extremely disheartened and on the verge of tears. "YOU EAT POOP FOR BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER ZIM!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled.

"On the contrary Dib. I believe that's wat you have smeared across your upper lip, so you are the shit-eater!" corrected Tak. Dib stood, dumfounded, then booked it for the doors. "HEY YOU!!!" yelled Tak at a preppy. "He called you fat." She pointed to Dib.

"What??? LETS KICK HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!" she yelled and the hoard chased after Dib. Dib was thrown out the window.

"I'd say that worked out quite well. You?" Asked Zim.

"It's not over till it's over." replied Tak. "there's one more thing that must be done."

"Ohhhh...I know." said Zim.

**Out the Window...**

Dib sighed and rubbed his face across the ground managing to clean most of the crap off. ((who does that??))

"I guess I'll never be loved." he looked over to find a puppy sitting next to him. "Hey little guy! You're so cute! You-" the dog whizzed on his jacket and walked away.

So that's the end of the chapter!!! Stay tuned for the final instalment coming soon!!! It will include:

1. Rejection

2. Music

3. a kiss...

and 4. A VERY SPECIAL CAMEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so heads up for the end!!! Cheddar out!!!!!!!


	9. Do You Love Me?

mmkay. So we find ourselves at the final chapter my friends!!!! which, though this may sound dissappointing, is quite the relief to me, as im working on a Sweeney Todd fic that looks pretty promising...in my eyes at least...im just gonna stop talking.

**Final Chapter!!!!**

**Loved after all!!!!**

The dryer rumbled. There was a steady and annoying beep, which led Dib to sigh and pull his dog-piss-free pants from the small dryer door. He quickly pulled his favorite pair of black pants on over his boxers (which were printed with smiley faces!!! XD) and tapped his feet anxiously as he zipped them up. No one was home, so standing in the laundry room in his underwear didn't really bother him. He pulled out his black jean jacket next, also free of urine, and smelling strongly of 'fresh minty blizzard in heaven'. (lolz)

One would assume with Dib's nature that the next thing he'd do would be to run after Zim, but after the day's activities, all he wanted to do was let his brain cells fry from the TV and eat some Doritoes. Accompanied with Mountain Dew of course. He grabbed his things and took a flying leap at the couch, only to miss it, landing face down on the carpet. Dib scoffed and plopped down. The Mountain Dew had taken the fall with him and it blew up in a fizzy blast in his face when he cracked it open.

"At least I know the Doritoes won't explode." he sighed and began to work open the bag. Only to have that blow up in his face as well. Fiery Jhabinaro!!! "GAHH!!!!" he screamed as the spicy powder clung to his Mountain Dew drenched face. It had also worked its way somehow up his nose as well.

"CAN THINGS GET ANY WORSE!!!!??????"

_Ring, ring, ring..._

"Man, where'd Gaz put the phone?"

_Ring, ring ring!!!!_

"Eh...can't find it. I'll just let the answering machine get it."

_Ring, ring, r-ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!!!!!_

Dib rolled his eyes as answered it upon finding its whereabouts under the couch.

"Hello?"

_"Check yur Mail-boxxx"_

"Hello? Who is this?"

The phone was hung up. "Well. Nothin else to do. I guess I'll go check my mailbox."

**_Meanwhile..._**

"What a day this has been! Whew!!!" cried Zim as he busted open the front door. "GIR!!??" No answer "GIR!!! WHERE YOU AT!!???" He stood there looking around. A peculier odor was coming from the kitchen. He walked cautiously to it. "Gir...you in here? WHAT THE-?"

Gir was removing a fresh ear of corn from a large pot on the stove, next to which was a plate with a stack of at least 22 more ears of veggie on it. Gir turned to look at him. He was in SIR mode, as his normally blue features had turned bright red.

"Gir...what are you doing?"

"Making corn." he said in a strong, indifferent, perhapse even angry voice. He placed the new ear atop the stack and walked the plate over to the kitchen table.

"Why?"

"I dunno. I seen it on a movie today!" he said, his features going light blue again for just a minute, then snapping back to red. He put a black farmer's hat on his head before he proceded to munch the corn.

Zim's arms dropped to his side and he just stood there baffled, before turning and going to the TV to watch it. He flipped through the channels until he came upon a show that centered around a kitty thing that was wearing a pointy eared purple hat and suit. Apparently it cooked things. Gir marched in through the door, the hat still a top his head, with his plate of corn and he jumped up onto the couch next to Zim. He turned his head quickly, but in a creepy manner to stare at Zim for a few seconds, then snapped it back forward. He turned blue.

"You know wat? I love this show..." he said beginning to eat the corn.

"I know Gir, I know."

**_BACK AT DIB'S MAILBOX!!!!!!_**

There was a large box. A bow topped the whole ridiculous looking thing off.

"To Dib, with love..." he said, reading of the card hanging from its side. He turned facing the street. "GUESS WHAT WORLD!!! IM LOVED AFTER ALL!!!!" he yelled happily.

He began jumping up and down, but was to caught up in the moment to notice the box's lid rising up a bit and green scaley fish man poking his head out.

"What the-?" Dib began.

"IM OLD GREGG MUTHA FUCKAS!!!" yelled the thing, who was presumably Old Gregg. (dadadadaaaaaah!!! today's cameo!!!)

He jumped up, sending the lid flying off the box, then dove out, and crouched in front of Dib. Now that he could get a good look at him, this old Gregg guy was friking scary looking. White go-go boots, green seaweedy hair, purple t-shirt, silver jacket, pink skirt??? And red lipstick...what a hooker.

"I like you. What do you think of me?"

Dib stood there...nearly peeing his pants.

"Don't Lie to me BOY. Make an assesment!"

"I-I-I," Dib stammered.

"I'm gonna hurt you..."

"WHAT!??"

"Ever drink Baileys from a shoe? Wanna go to a club where people wee on each other?" asked Gregg.

"N-no..." said Dib, tearing up a bit from fear.

"Do you love me?"

"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!!!!"

"I KNOW WAT UR THINKIN'!!! THAT I'M A SCALEY MAN FISH!!!! WELL YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! YOU DON'T KNOW WAT I GOT!!!!!!" Gregg slowly pulled up his skirt, exposing a great white beam of light and gust of wind.

"YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS!!!!??? THAT'S MY VAGINA!!!! I'VE GOT A MANGINA!!!!! IM OL' GREEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dib shrieked in paralyzing fear and ran as fast as he could to the 711 down the street, while the girl he had met and been infatuated with earlier giggled evily from the bushes at this creepy, but hilarious sight.

"Suppose I should let him off easy this time." she said and began to walk up the street, while Old Gregg took off in the opposite direction. That prank had worked out great. Ha ha. Funny...

**_AT THE MO FO 711!!!!!!!!!!!_**

"CASHIERE!!! HELP!! THERE'S A TRANSVESTITE PROSTITUE OUT THERE WHO WANTS TO RAPE ME!!!!!!!!" yelled Dib banging his fists down on the counter, while dissinterested customers looked on.

"You want a pretzel with that or what man?" the cashier said. He must've been a freshly graduated highschool student. He certainly had a stupid look on his face.

"WOULD YOU WANT A PRETZLE AT A TIME LIKE THIS!!!!????"

"Sure...those would go great with a prostitute..."

"What?"

Just then, the girl from earlier opened the door, a menacing air about her.

"Hey, that transvestite prostitute you were talking about is here. Damn. She's hott."

Dib turned to see her and smacked his forehead.

"THAT'S NOT HIM!! HE WAS A SCALEY MAN FISH THING!!!!"

"Oh right. Listen, I gotta pee so some other chick is gonna take your order okay?"

Dib just walked away.

The girl approached him.

"Oh...h-hi..." stammered Dib. (awwwww) a warm blush was creeping over his face. The girl punched him in the forehead, leaving behind a red mark and a sticky note. Strangely, it didn't hurt as bad as he thought it was going to.

"That's my number. Call me sometime." she said. The quickly kissed the spot she had punched and skipped off, the menacing air dissapearing.

"Woah."

**AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!:**

**so I know this wasn't much of an ending, but my ideas have gotten a bit dried out for this story. My apologies!!!!! I will write a better story with a better ending perhapse sometime later. Just keep an eye open I suppose. AND AS FOR THE SONG:**

**EVERYBODY JOIN IN!!!!**

**_Picture yourself on a boat on a river, with tangerine trees, and marmalade skies_**

**_Somebody calls you you answer quite slowly, a girl with calidascope eyes_**

**_Sulifane flowers of yellow and green,_**

**_towering over your head_**

**_look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's gone._**

**_LUCY IN THE SKYYYYY WITH DIAMONDS!!! _**

****

**lol. so anyways, thanks for reading. this was a fun story to write, however, i unfortunately got a bit bored with it and it was coming to its end anyways...but thankyou for all of your wonderful reviews and comments and i apologize if this last chapter was a let down for anyone. :/**

**I'm thinking about possible rewriting the ending sometime in the future though. and be on the lookout for any upcomming Invader Zim fics from me i guess. Peace brothers!!! KOOKOOKATCHOO KOOKOOKATCHOO!!!!**


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